“No one’s judging anyone here. What matters is how one treats you on a day to day basis” – this was told to me by a very dear friend of mine when I went to them with issues I was facing in my romantic life.
So here I am resonating what my friend told me, in a different manner to you who probably are in the same place as I have once been in.
I am sure they have their reasons but why are you justifying those for them? Why are you sacrificing your needs, your well-being and your happiness? Don’t YOU have your reasons too, to expect what you’re expecting?
There are no set rules for how different bonds shared between human beings are to be. In spite of that all I know and would reiterate to you is that no matter what kind it is, every bond requires an effort or else it ceases to be a bond whatsoever!
WE CHOOSE PEOPLE WHO DON’T WANT TO COMMIT BECAUSE WE DON’T WANT TO COMMIT
Have you realised that you indefinitely are willing to hang out with the man who is either in a different relationship and spending time with you as ‘just friends’ or has issues with commitment?
Then you wonder as to why they aren’t giving you all that much of attention. You chose to push away the men who seemed seriously inclined toward you to allow the romantically inconsistent and flighty individual/individuals to enter into your life.
It’s a vicious cycle where we are afraid of getting hurt from one sided emotional investment and hence push away prospective partners who are willing to commit, allowing people with commitment issues into our lives who pull back after a point in time validating our assumption that we are bound to get hurt when we let someone in.
STOP ANALYSING INCONSISTENT BEHAVIOURS
It’s not your prerogative to know what’s up with these men who give you mixed signals.
The moment you realise that you have to put a lot of time into figuring out why he has not responded to any of your messages or calls post his asking of you to meet and has resorted instead to liking your picture updates on Instagram and Facebook, know that it’s not worth wasting your time on.
You should feel stress free and happy with the relationship you share with certain person instead of missing out on your night’s sleep racking your brain into finding out how you may have upset him.
I mean what’s the point then of a casual relationship after all?
It has got nothing to do with you; the way you place your punctuations in the text, the timing of your phone call to him, the beating-heart emoji couldn’t have gone wrong. So relax! Don’t read too much into your responses that came to you naturally. Respond and leave it at that. The ball is in their court once you are done with your response. Now how they choose to analyse and reply to your expression is their business.
Your business is to decide what kind of treatment you choose for yourself. While it’s fine to be immensely attracted to a particular man and feel overwhelmed to be able to make love to him, don’t you think his coming by and going whenever he pleases makes you seem like a starved animal willing to go hungry for as long as it takes to be fed on that one particular food that is its favourite?
You don’t have the liberty of making your own choices. You don’t get to choose when you want to see him. You don’t get to fulfil your craving of be it sex, affection or simply to admire beauty. So that the craving bottles up and you are ready to release it anytime you’re given a chance.
You get to see him only when he is willing to meet you. You get to talk to him only when he decides to call you. What about the times when you decide to meet and you decide to call? Haven’t your calls gone unanswered?
THE FASTER IT STARTS THE SOONER IT WILL END
It’s a given. You get drawn to the magnetizing charm and get carried away with the current of attraction, ending up doing everything too soon, so that you are left with nowhere to go once you reach the top of the cliff. The climax is achieved and the enthusiasm to reach the climax subsides consecutively.
A person who wasn’t looking for commitment anyway would then decide to pack their bags and get going, because the casual and the fun times with you had come to an end. There was no more the need to chase and find. Once found the chase is over. Now you and him can learn to mind each of you all’s own business.
Sex can sometimes become the be all and the end all of a man woman relationship. As humans we are creatures with physical desire. The chase if not wholly has mostly to do with physically conquering the prey. The chase is always intensified with mental stimulation. However when sex happens too soon, there is no objective left for the man to be mentally stimulated any longer.
Once you give in, he knows that you have been caught and even though he loses interest, he will want to keep coming back for the thrill of the momentary ride knowing that you’re the weak one. So he will come to you to get his ego massaged through sex and appreciation in the name of casualty before setting out to pursue or while pursuing a new prey. If you decide to keep letting him in, he will keep coming in and going out as he pleases leaving you in utter dilemma, repeating the same phenomenon over and over again and you end up becoming the starved animal.
HOW TO HANDLE BEING GHOSTED
Thought of not responding to their texts or answering to their calls or even going a step further and trying to confront them with their flaky behaviour? Well, none of these really work with said person.
You will end up taking his calls after a long wait of having wanted to speak to him/ to see him. One text message from him won’t fail to bring that smile back to your face. They have just perfected the art of magically having you gotten used to their ghosting tactics.
Confronting them is the best option to choose from the rest. While you don’t really need a justification for being made to feel helpless and not in control of the satiation of your own expectations, you owe yourself an honest venting.
The two most probable responses on his part to your confrontation will be either to completely disappear or to write essays through texts like he has done never before to justify and defend himself and in the process victimise you to make you feel guilty. The moment you feel guilty about yourself know that in fact he is the one who’s guilty and he’s trying to deny that by transferring the blame onto you.
YOU ARE NOT UNREASONABLE FOR DEMANDING SELF RESPECT
Ever chided yourself for feeling like you’re asking for too much when the both of you were clearly decided on a casual relationship? Well not even a relationship for that matter. Y’all were partners in sex. In this kind of a relationship while commitment isn’t necessary you aren’t crazy for not wanting to be hung up on. Believe me!
You in fact deserve more respect because in spite of the non-commitment you are constantly engaging in intimacy with him
(It was not just one night stand after which, you went your ways).
Of course there is reason for you to feel cheap and lowly when you’re engaging in something so personal allowing yourself to be so vulnerable before certain person only to have your calls go unanswered and your conversations cut short given his busy schedule and his ‘priorities’ he must tend to.
Everything requires effort. Even a casual relationship requires effort, maybe of a different kind to that of a committed relationship. When there is no effort and just impulse on his part then how can you call it a relationship? I mean you’re not even friends expressing and satiating one another’s desires. There is one benefiter and another receiver. See what I mean?
Find yourselves and don’t settle for what’s not the best for you! J